Column: How did a 3-year-old pizza get delivered by Instacart? Just goes to show that money can buy you more content than you’ll be able to watch in 100 lifetimes, but it can’t get you a great ice cream flavor. Then fry both sides on medium-high heat for a couple minutes until it's brown. I’d soon lose my patience while trying to slowly roast it and then hold the thing directly on the fire, resulting in a charred outside and nearly raw center. Cannoli: Good for ice cream, good for running errands with Clemenza and Rocco. It doesn't make any sense. That said, I've spent my whole life watching professional grillers on the Food Network try to tell me how to "seal in the smoky flavor," and this can of Spam delivered in that respect. That cheese slice will help bring out all the best flavors in the Spam and will make it easier to deal with the initial shock of the saltiness. Maybe. The smell of sweet dough appeals to anyone who’s been to a state fair or inside a Blue Bottle, and this flavor, modeled on the persona of “Report"-era Stephen Colbert, manages to capture some of that magic. Everything about Spam's Oven Roasted Turkey flavor is utterly disgusting. Fun story: The flavor originated when a woman named Jane Williamson sent a postcard to the Burlington office in 1986 … You won't be able to stop until it's all gone, as there's something about the hickory smoke that makes this stuff irresistible. As a Spam lover, I cannot, in good conscience, rank this one highly. The inside is a little chalky for my taste, but when it’s supposed to taste like a sugar cookie, I guess that comes with the territory. While it might be too hot and too spicy for those with a cowardly palate, everyone else will agree that the perfect amount of Tabasco sauce was added. With Spam Black Pepper, you can skip that step. Since Spam with Portuguese Sausage Seasoning is so flavorful, you should always cut it into cubes and mix it with something else — namely rice or eggs. “We’re holding on for dear life,” one chef said. I suspect the latter, and I’m a little disappointed in you. Mechanically separated chicken, to be exact. You'll find that it's not spicy at all. Even if you get unlucky, it'll taste good enough to eat — but you will definitely be disappointed. Would I pay someone $20 for a hug right now? Before opening this, I had high hopes, as a proud Italian garlic lover. of packing their pints full of huge chunks. You will also notice a slight improvement in the texture, and you can fry until it's golden brown without worrying about your Spam slice falling apart in the pan. Olympic champion Jeanette Bolden-Pickens owns South L.A.'s 27th Street Bakery Shop, founded by her grandparents in 1956. It doesn’t quite capture the trauma of growing up, but at least it’s delicious. It's not even close. That's a whole lot of sodium. Why they made an entirely separate flavor with such a minute distinction is lost on me, but it wasn’t a good idea. But that’s not the point: Like Beatles albums, ice cream is meant to be consumed as a whole, not cherry-picked for your favorite bits. It’s very fudgy and extremely rich, but after a spoonful or two, it has me missing the chewiness of the regular Ben & Jerry’s brownies. I feel like this version risks losing all the things that make Spam flavorful in the first place. Review: This was far and away the hottest flavor. When you get Spam with Tocino Seasoning out of the can, you may be surprised by the fact that it's red. Likely more. Here, neither of those sensations comes through. Now, after smelling it, I am afraid to try this one. If you’ve ever enjoyed dipping hot fries into a Wendy’s Frosty, take this for a spin. We've ranked all the current flavors of Spam, starting with the worst and working up to the best. It smells about the same as original Spam but has more juices, which I don't love. Review: This had an aftertaste that I can only describe as processed. Some of the other spice combinations had better flavor, but this was solid. What really pulls this one down in my rankings is that I'd rather add my own jalapenos to a dish. Why place all of the good stuff in one centralized, predictable area? It's kind of concerning that this will be my first experience with Portuguese sausage. 3. I never thought I'd describe chorizo seasoning as "vanilla.". But after trying a few bites, I just couldn’t do it: The banana flavor is off. Wouldn’t want it to go down any other way. I already know I love this. L.A. County restaurant owners fear they won’t survive another COVID-19 shutdown, Chefs and restaurateurs react to another shutdown of in-person dining amid L.A. County’s coronavirus surge. It makes me wonder: Do the Portuguese feel about this flavored Spam the way true Italians feel about Olive Garden? “Wow, real flecks of vanilla bean?” you ask yourself. Think of it in terms of an improv 101 class. I also learned that Portuguese sausage is traditionally seasoned with garlic and paprika. Review: The flavor of this lower-sodium Spam was slightly milder than the original but still delicious. The texture, as long as you don't heat it, is different from Spam Classic's texture but it's totally fine. First impression: When I surveyed the cans as a group, I had the highest hopes for this one. The difference is small but essential and will make you want to slide right into your favorite pair of sweatpants. The brownie core here is so slick and sweet, so intense, that it simply overwhelms. The greatest triumph of the season arrives on the day after Thanksgiving, when your protein-induced drowsiness has dissipated and the leftovers are yours to play with in the manner you desire. You’ve made it. Luc Longley is the … spoon? Review: This was the biggest surprise in the collection. Fully commit! Unearthing a cookie is more enjoyable and exciting than the pervasiveness of chips, and again plays into Ben & Jerry’s M.O. That is terrible news for your taste buds and it easily overshadows any nutritional benefits. The no-bake cookie dough in this wink-wink-nudge-nudge cleverly-named creation is sickly sweet with a terrible rabbit-food texture. Unlike all the other varieties of Spam, this version doesn't hold up well at all when you heat it — it turns into a soupy, garlicky mess. This is ultimately a cinnamon ice cream, with tasty, satisfyingly spicy cookie swirls. Frankly, it tasted as if the entire chunk of Spam had been soaked in hot sauce. This one has nice plump nuts scattered throughout, but the flavor of the ice cream proper is off. The only flavor that was better than the original was Spam with tocino seasoning, which tasted sweet, spicy, and delicious. Spam gained popularity toward the end of the Great Depression in the 1930s, when it was marketed as a cheap alternative to fresh meat. “They’re not messing around!” Ideal in a root beer or Coke float. Unfortunately, you will be asking yourself one question after you open the can: Where did all the cheese go? The garlic in the Spam tasted perfectly sautéed and vaguely reminded me of a tasty Italian pasta dish. Cramming peanut butter cups, toffee chunks, white chocolate pieces and fudge-covered almonds all together means no one element gets the chance to shine. Just... tone it down a little, dude. That news can be celebrated by your waistline. First impression: This should be pretty good, but something is giving me pause. Albert Bañuelos was slowly growing his restaurant business, and 2020 was set to be his best year yet. Refrigerator door? Here's what it was like trying and ranking all 15 flavors of Spam. The day after. Does too much of a good thing exist? The cookies are crisp, and somewhat grainy, and do little to evoke any Santa-esque memories. Review: This tasted like whatever the Spam-factory version of liquid smoke is, and it was overpowering. Review: I'm a little disappointed that the flavors didn't blend together that well, but I still enjoyed this variety. Compared to Spam Classic, it has a richer flavor profile that adds a wonderful burst to any meal that you're cooking up. The creaminess of the regular ice cream contrasts subtly with the more viscous pudding cream. This had a slightly more plastic smell than the other flavors, and I'd perhaps be more trusting if it were a collaboration with Tabasco or a different, recognizable brand of hot sauce. If you're new to the world of Spam, you should probably start with another flavor. I wish they’d just finish the sentence. When you first crack open the can, the smell of stale cat food will spread throughout the room.